“Gosh, You should come with a users manual.”
You know you’re a pain in the ass when your boyfriend says that to you. But when he chuckles afterwards and nuzzles in closer, it kinda makes you feel worth it.
There are three types of people in this world. Low maintenance people, high maintenance people, and high maintenance people who think they’re low maintenance people. The last of the three is the worst. Those people are annoying. Come on you’re high maintenance, so what. Embrace it. It’s really not that bad. You see, I’m high maintenance. But I know I am, so doesn’t that kind of make me easier? (It makes me feel better to think that way so just go with me on this one, okay? Thanks.)
Everyone is a little difficult on some things. And when my boyfriend said I should come with a users manual, it kind of got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone you dated came with a How To Guide so you knew everything up front: What to avoid, what to do, what to say and what not to say. That’s Genius. (Okay Kyle, give yourself a pat on the back but don’t let this get to your head. I’m still right 100% of the time, never forget that.)
Dating Jackie for Dummies:
- If you’re out and about with Jackie and she says that she’s hungry you need to drop everything else you’re doing and focus on getting food in her stomach. IMMEDIATELY. Yes, she complains a lot so at the first “I’m hungry” you still have time, but don’t dilly-dally around. If she has to say it three times, steer clear. (keeping your fridge stocked with cookie dough, bacon, blue Doritios and Diet Coke isn’t a bad idea.)
- If she is hot, get her to an air-conditioned building as soon as possible. If she is cold, offer her your jacket. She wont take it but she’ll appreciate the offer.
- If she is tired, make her nap. Believe me, you don’t want to see this girl grumpy.
CAUTION: In the event of a simultaneous combination of hot, tired, and hungry, evacuate immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect one hundred dollars. Run like hell if you want to make it out alive.
- If you need to stop for gas, keep your eye out for a Super America, not a Holiday station. (Holiday does not carry fountain Diet Coke and that is her favorite. If you can’t find fountain Diet Coke, get her a Diet coke in a can. If you can’t find either of those, you are worthless. Just kidding.)
- She talks a lot and it gets annoying. Shut her up with Will & Grace on DVD, a double cheese burger (with no pickles) from McDonalds, or just put her in a room full of people she doesn’t know.
- She doesn’t like scary movies. (Scary to her is anything with violence, guns, or suspense.) She will get nightmares and will check her closet for bad guys. Save yourself the 3am phone calls and don’t make her watch them.
- She doesn’t like Bud Light, but loves Bud Light Lime. Don’t confuse the two.
- She can’t tell time on a regular clock. Make fun of her for it.
- She cannot sing. Don’t let her believe that she can. If you are with her in church, stand next to her, not in front of her. She is tone deaf and off key. Not a good combo. (It’s a good idea to avoid Karaoke night as well.)
- Don’t let her leave the house without mittens in the winter unless you want to give her another thing to whine about.
- Do not build a snowman in her front yard. If you are driving down the road you and see a snowman, try and avert her attention elsewhere. Do not buy her snowmen Christmas decorations and do not wrap her Christmas presents with snowman wrapping paper.
- She will never go ice fishing with you so don’t even ask her. She is afraid of the lake when it’s frozen. In the event of on ice necessity, get a couple of beers in her first.
- She likes pancakes, tulips, and kittens. Hates Hawaiian pizza and the smell of tuna. She likes her steak medium rare and will vomit at the sight of veins in a chicken breast. (But she doesn’t really like to eat meat at all) She believes that dandelions are flowers, not weeds, and will stop at every lemonade stand she sees (just like her mom). She is obsessed with Diet Coke, One Tree Hill, online shopping, and Folgers Vanilla Biscotti Coffee. She googles everything and tends to diagnose herself on Webmd.com. If the TV is on in her room, she’s watching the Preview Guide Channel. Don’t change it, she’s waiting to find something to watch. She loves the smell of clean laundry, roses, fresh cut grass, and homemade cookies. She hates when chlorine gets in her eyes or when she can’t find her sunglasses. She likes MEN not BOYS and would love to someday be able to drive a stick shift.
- She’s scared of rejection, heartache, death, snowmen, spiders, car crashes, men at night when she’s alone, the basement, her closet after dark, growing up, and marriage.
- She’ll cry every time she watches Step-mom.
- She is kind, honest, and loyal. When she loves someone, she loves them unconditionally [unconditional love: n. affection with no limits or conditions. ] She’s a snuggler, a hugger, a listener, and a dreamer.
BASIC RECAP: She can be difficult, but it’s pretty easy. Pick her a dandelion. Make her banana pancakes. Kiss her in public. Be driven. Take chances and challenge her to be a better person. Don’t manipulate her or break her down to make yourself feel better. Love her friends. Respect her family.
Oh yeah, and don’t ask her to introduce you to Violet, that’s a whole new handbook.